Saturday, January 31 | 0 comments
One day, a man, and it's a person that really closed to me, asked me.
"Hey Mie, why don't you talk to your classmates?"
Why? Do I really need to say 'hi' to them? I am rather fine this way.
"Really, then I am not going to say anything."
The problem is, we just don't clicked well. So that's why I am always sitting on my desk, doing some work or just read my novels, silently. I am just not a type of person that can go to someone and say 'heeeeeey there'. Well, I actually can do that, with certain type of people really.
It's not like that I hate my classmates. I just hate people. Read that? and with the terms of using 'hate', I just hate them because I don't know them. I decided this long time ago to take care of my heart first, built a wall around me and shield them securely, so nothing can hurt it in anyway possible.
It just that I maybe noticed things that mostly people don't. I just read things that mostly people didn't want to read and watch. I just interpreted it differently from others somehow, so it's inevitable that I have this weird kind of things going on my mind.
Just a head up! That terms of hate really didn't mean any deeper like the meaning itself. I just put it that way, so its easier to understand.
Because of it, I always sit outside the crowd and when they goes 'heyyy ha woo!' and I just there, wishing happiness for themselves. Sometimes I do questioning myself, why don't you just let loose and totally join them? It's never late to try mingle with them.
But it is too late.
I am leaving this school soon.
I will never see them again after this.
so why bother?
So somehow I manage to live this way, talking to certain someone and few people that always helped me with various kind of things. I always talked when its necessary after all. But I appreciate your help, so thank you!
When I talked to my sister about this, she said this to me
Well, everyone is alone anyway. People that stays with you no matter where you are and go, just family.
When she said that, it sparked something in me.
So it always alright
to be alone?
But I know this thing. He never leave me alone, even though I strayed from His path.
Friday, November 7 | 1 comments
I never write about how dreadful what I’ve been through this year (if I do write about it, it’s just a bits here and there) and I have been keeping this to myself. Probably the one that knew all about this just my sister and my friend, but they never heard the complete version about it.
First day of school to start Form 4 is something I really looking forward to but all of the excitement of starting is replaced by how alone I am actually this year. When I went to school on the very first day of 2014, I got called by a friend to see what class are we all in.
And guess what?
I got separated by my group. Me, the only one from my circle got assigned to Class 1, (4 Amanah) and the rest is in Class 2, (4 Berdikari) First thought that hit my mind ‘Who the heck will I be friend with in my class?’
True that there are my classmate from last year that got in the same class as me. But, I barely know them and I rarely talk with any of them except for one or two. And I am also an introvert by nature, I hate to strike a meaningless conversation with someone that I am not close with so I knew that this year will be a hella of year for me.
I kind of getting the hunch based on our PMR’s results that we got, but I still hoping that even one of my friends got the same class as me. But no. ha ha crai
I voiced my worry to my best friend, Husna and she said “There will be our last year classmates in there.” Yeah, and it’s not like I am particularly close with any of them. I don’t have any problem with sitting or working alone but how will I survive if there’s any group task? There all have their own group and I can’t simply just join one of it right?
But in the end I sat besides Syafikah, she is really a nice and intelligent person. She helped me with my homework a lot and she teach me about parts that I don’t understand in my studies. She helped me a LOT until that point when I went home from school and I cried because of her kindness and my mind keep saying that I am just using her and rely too much on her.
I talked to my sister that night and she said that it just my mind playing tricks on me. My sister said "If she helping you until that point, she must really a honest and kind girl. So, just thanked her later. It's just normal."
and she is like my savior from the sky this year. Well, to express my gratitude for this year, I said this to her the other day “Thank you for this year.” lol I don’t know if she heard that but I am really embarrassed about this;; I never do something like this before but I am really not a man of words you know. I prefer this: ‘A man of actions’ har har
But I always feel alone in that class. During free time period, I can't go to my friends desk and start gossiping, we can't walk to the labs together, we can't do group assignment together and we can only see each other during recess time and in morning assembly. Thank god that our class lines is just side by side and our class is next to each other. (so actually we are pretty near XD)
The worst part is you longer can't have the same talk about your studies. Different classes got different teachers (but not for all the subjects) so we can't actually review/teach with each other. I remember this time when we have the mid-year exam, I asked my friend why is she reading the chapter 6 in Chemistry when teacher said it will not coming out.
Me: Shafi, chapter 6 doesn't come out la. Teacher said so. We haven't learn it yet.
She: What? That's your class. Our class already done. We are in the different class, okay?
When she said that I really feel offended. Sometimes I forgot that we actually in different classes, have different classmates, have different teachers, different pace of learning and have different stories/humor in class. Well yeah, I am the only one out of four friends that managed to got in that class.
Sometimes I actually think that it is my fault for getting straight As while the others didn't managed to. I think it is my fault for not asking them to study together and tell them to work hard. It doesn't feel really good you know when you got a good result while your friends didn't get the same. and the worst is I didn't cry when I seen the results, while my friend do.
But as the time passed by, I managed to suit myself in the class, somehow throw all the negative thoughts that keep playing in my mind, telling myself time to time again that I am not alone and there's someone out there that feeling the same as I do.
I am actually felt really depressed about all of this. Depressed about school, studies and so on... Oh and Form 3 was the worst year. I didn't actually take any medications to control my depression or anything but I wrote what I feel in my diary and now that I am reading it back... woah.. is this me. hell yeah. But now I have some distractions, so I didn't have all that time to think about 'that things' anymore.
In the end, I survive this year. Hoorayyy! My finals and my amali test is officially end so that's why I am posting this. I have only two days to go to school even though school holiday started on 22 November or something. but we got rested because of SPM. But I am still free! (no. you have SPM next year ha ha)
and if you are wondering about it, I entered the science-stream class. That's why I mentioned 'labs' somewhere in there.
For all the Form 4 to-be out there, Form 4 is hell. What is honeymoon year? Don't get fooled by all the sweet words because from this year actually you need to start studying hard if you don't want to screw up in your SPM. Do all your tasks on time, don't ever lag it until the deadline. Ask your teacher immediately if you didn't understand anything that she teaches. Especially if you are taking science-stream class.
Wow, actually a decent post about my life...
I will probably post something about my stories next post.
Until then,
XMie
Friday, May 16 | 0 comments
*hold it* 'Wow, this is kind of big for my hand... I wonder if all basketball players have big hand... It's so good I want to buy it...' *bump it* 'Waaa.... I kind of good in bumping it... But this shop's floor kinda rough... It didn't bounce properly...'
"So, you want to buy it, or no?"
"...Mother, you offering me this...?"
"Where's the counter?"
༼✷ɷ✷༽
Meet my Mido-kun!
It happened a month(?) ago, I am so hooked in watching Kuroko no Basuke II and out of blue, I'm asking my mother to buy a basketball for me. (*⌒∇⌒*) Not for serious play, its kinda late for that. Just for bumping, dribble and tricks. It does make me sweat for bit. So it is a wise decision.
I just finished Kuroko no Basuke just a week ago, resuming again after I left it for daysss. People already have an uproar because it already end, but I don't know anything about the ending. Cliffhanger! I know, but don't know what is what. What is spoiler ヘ（。□°）ヘ
I have two seasons CD! Shiawase! (。-`ω´-)
Watching Kuroko no Basuke will be like:
Mido: What? Just because of that?!!
You have a friend, you are walking together by the lake. Suddenly you both fall in the deep lake. No one was there to save you. You just have each other to save yourselves. But, you just can save just one of you. Who will you save? Yourself, or your friend?
"Of course, I will save my friend!"
This is a matter of death. Saving her means you will die. You always looking forward tomorrow. You have family that are waiting you for you to return home. What will they feel if they know you die because of you saving a friend?
"It's not fair..."
If you ask me, I will choose your doubts. Protagonists like Luffy and Ueki for example, they willing to die just because of their friend. I am not that noble. I can't do like them. In the end, everyone just want to save their own life.
Because world is selfish.
I don't know when my answer will change. I want them to change. Someday, I don't know when. If you ask me again this question, my answer will differ for this. Just you guys wait. I want to change so bad about my way of thinking.
(Re)watching: Kuroko no Basuke. Drawing: Still 100 Sakura Costumes. Writing: Still I am Immortal. Status: Determined.
Labels: Depressed, dunno, Reflection
